Don’t Stop Believing

I asked if I’d ever be able to grow a full beard, considering I can’t do it now, at 30.

“Maybe not,” my barber admitted, “but there are still tricks you can do.”

“Like what?”

“Well, you could grow your mustache real long, and comb it over onto your cheeks.”

I gave him a 100% tip.

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 4:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

Our neighbors moved.

We’re sad, because their cat was best friends with our dog.  They loved playing so much that the cat would come as soon as she heard us calling the dog.

On the day the neighbors moved out, they asked me what our dog’s name is.  “‘Daisy,'” I replied, “and you may not know it, but that’s your cat’s name, too.  Sorry about that.”

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 4:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

Spieling in the Temple

Skippers don’t spiel in the Jungle Cruise‘s Cambodian Temple.  There isn’t a clear reason why.

Some claim it’s because the acoustics don’t pair well with the tinny microphone.  Some are content with the explanation that, “The script doesn’t provide any material for the Temple, so we’re not allowed to,” which is a long way of saying, “Because I say so.” Personally, I don’t like spieling in the Temple because it’s a gorgeously themed space.  The tone is so eerie.  To me, it’s the purest icon of Adventureland:  nature reclaiming humankind’s efforts.  It’s a sobering moment of meditation amid the puns. All that said, there was one time that I spieled in the Temple–without the microphone, I hasten to add, so it wasn’t wholly disruptive.  I hated how much I didn’t hate it. (more…)

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 3:54 pm  Leave a Comment  
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“Tasty” is something that tastes good.

“Smelly” is something that smells bad.

This sort of senseless bias makes me touchy.

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 3:44 pm  Leave a Comment  

There’s a novel of manners wherein the love interest is secretly married to a lunatic who’s locked in the attic.

I know that.  It’s a reasonably famous spoiler.  The problem is, I couldn’t remember which novel of manners it happens in.

You can’t imagine how tense that makes reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time.

Published in: on August 26, 2014 at 5:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

Someone asked if I was working on my homework.

That’s the writer’s version of getting carded.

Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 1:09 pm  Leave a Comment  

“Band-Aid” is a brand.

The other band-aid companies refer to their product as “adhesive bandages,” but honestly, that’s so generic, they might as well leave the box blank.  They need a better name.

I hereby nominate “boo-boo tape.”

Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 1:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

1. Stand Bob Hoskins and Dustin Hoffman side by side.

2.  Choose which of them will play Captain Hook.

3.  Seriously, choose carefully.

Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 1:02 pm  Leave a Comment  

Narratively, Jesus’ resurrection and ascension undermine the poignance of his crucifixion.

By that point in the story, we’ve seen miracles and heard sermons…we get it.  He’s Magical and Important.  Quit beating that (un)dead horse.

If I were writing the New Testament, I’d have Jesus die on the cross…and then go to Hell. “And he’s still there, suffering, for us. Now behave.”

Or I’d reveal that Jesus is immortal…the paragraph before he’s crucified. “He’s still nailed up there, to this day, suffering for us. Now behave.”

Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 1:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

I snuck out of the movie theater to refill the popcorn.

The concession stand was in the lobby, past the ticket-taker.  When I returned, she didn’t recognize me, and since I didn’t have my ticket stub, she didn’t wanna let me back in.

“What were you watching?” she quizzed me.

It’s a Wonderful Life,” I boasted.

She stared at me blankly.


Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 12:52 pm  Leave a Comment