Spieling in the Temple

Skippers don’t spiel in the Jungle Cruise‘s Cambodian Temple.  There isn’t a clear reason why.

Some claim it’s because the acoustics don’t pair well with the tinny microphone.  Some are content with the explanation that, “The script doesn’t provide any material for the Temple, so we’re not allowed to,” which is a long way of saying, “Because I say so.” Personally, I don’t like spieling in the Temple because it’s a gorgeously themed space.  The tone is so eerie.  To me, it’s the purest icon of Adventureland:  nature reclaiming humankind’s efforts.  It’s a sobering moment of meditation amid the puns. All that said, there was one time that I spieled in the Temple–without the microphone, I hasten to add, so it wasn’t wholly disruptive.  I hated how much I didn’t hate it. (more…)

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 3:54 pm  Leave a Comment  
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“Tasty” is something that tastes good.

“Smelly” is something that smells bad.

This sort of senseless bias makes me touchy.

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 3:44 pm  Leave a Comment  

“Band-Aid” is a brand.

The other band-aid companies refer to their product as “adhesive bandages,” but honestly, that’s so generic, they might as well leave the box blank.  They need a better name.

I hereby nominate “boo-boo tape.”

Published in: on March 17, 2014 at 1:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

Meat Pizza, and Its Grammar

Meat + [SPACE] + lovers + [APOSTROPHE] + [SPACE] + pizza

The most popular form.


Meat + [SPACE] + lovers + [SPACE] + pizza

Even the Ninja Turtles would be disgusted by that topping.


Meat + [SPACE] + lover + [APOSTROPHE] + s + [SPACE] + pizza

Give that pizza back to Meat Lover.  After all, he would do anything for pizza.


Meat + [HYPHEN] + lovers + [SPACE] + pizza

Eat up.  It’s what Mr. and Mrs. Salami would’ve wanted.

Published in: on November 20, 2013 at 10:10 am  Leave a Comment  

I wanted to major in Reverse Psychology.

I sent my application to the school.

They sent me a letter of rejection.

I sent them a letter saying that was fine, because I wouldn’t have attended their lousy school, anyway.

They sent me a diploma.

Published in: on April 9, 2013 at 11:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

In 2005, I couldn’t get cell reception in my dorm.

It’s 2013, and I’m on my phone, updating my blog, from inside a parking garage.

Isn’t progress amazing?

I just wish I hadn’t moved into a parking garage.

Published in: on April 8, 2013 at 11:32 pm  Leave a Comment  

I wanted to impress a girl, so I got a tattoo.

Of course, it wasn’t just any tattoo.  Y’gotta stand out, right?  So I got a tattoo of a DNA strand–actual size.

Except it wasn’t my DNA.  I let the artist design it.

And it paid off!  The tattoo looked so good, I got 4,599,999,999,999,999 more.

Now she doesn’t recognize me.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 3:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

A family walks into a talent agent’s office.

The father says, “We’ve got an act for you!”

The family acts like they have superior education, finances, ability, and social prestige.

The agent asks, “What do you call that act?”

The family replies, “‘The Aristocrats!'”

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 2:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

The family replies, “‘The Aristocrats!'”

The agent asks, “What do you call that act?”

The family travels backwards through time.

The father says, “We’ve got an act for you!”

A family walks into a talent agent’s office.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 2:44 pm  Leave a Comment  

‘The Aristocrats’ as a Haiku

Family acts vile.
Agent asks what their act’s called.
“The Aristocrats!”

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 2:37 pm  Leave a Comment  
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