Daisy’s Third Birthday

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See that dog-shaped abyss that my fiancée is sacrificing pizza into?  She turned three last week, and she got her very own personal pan to celebrate.

Of course she loved it, and licked the box clean, but it also gave her gas.

Daisy is rarely flatulent. When it happens, she’s confused–“Something is awry. What can be done about this?”–but this time, she just kept shooting me accusatory glares.

I dunno whether it was resentment for letting her eat such rich food, or an attempt to frame me for her farts, but this is the sort of sass that’s brightened my life for the past three years.

Published in: on July 11, 2016 at 2:08 pm  Leave a Comment  

Airplane Exits

DURING THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS:  They’re everywhere!  Take your pick!!!  They have rafts and slides and accordion hallways!!!!!  Wheeeeee!!!!!!!

WHILE DEBOARDING:  Through the front or by dying of old age, whichever comes first.

Published in: on May 5, 2016 at 1:49 pm  Leave a Comment  

New Psychiatrist

ME:  I suffer from anxiety, and, well, now that I’ve moved to a state where marijuana is legal…I dunno, would you recommend it?

MY NEW PSYCHIATRIST:  Well, I’ve never tried it, but I’ve heard it can have some serious side effects, so I recommend taking a second anti-depressant, instead!

So if anyone wants Lorazepam brownies,  I got the hook-up.

Published in: on April 22, 2016 at 3:13 pm  Leave a Comment  

How cold is it outside?

Cold enough to prove I love my dog

Cold enough to prove she doesn’t reciprocate

Published in: on January 8, 2016 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

In my brief time at Disneyland, I worked at the Indiana Jones ride.

The high point was when a guest mistook me for an Indy face character.

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Unfortunately, I’ve never really connected with that franchise, so I don’t understand the character well enough to pretend to be him.

So when the guest greeted me with, “Hey! It’s Indy!” the best I had to offer was, “That’s right, buckaroo!” and when he looked crestfallen, I consoled him with, “You just keep on truckin’, pal!”

Maybe it’s for the best that I didn’t stay, huh?

Published in: on January 4, 2016 at 11:32 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Geography is Contagious

As a landmark, the Grand Canyon astonishing, and as a park, it’s delightful.

One of its exhibits explains that the Canyon was formed by the Colorado River, which collects sediments from the Rocky Mountains, and uses them to cut through the rock like “liquid sandpaper!” What helpful imagery!

The park also features spouts along the trail that provide cold spring water–for free! Isn’t that courteous? It was warm out, so I went through a lot of it.

…and promptly developed a sore throat.

…and now I’m worried that I unwittingly drank Colorado River water, and it’s gonna carve a canyon outta me.

Published in: on November 30, 2015 at 12:04 am  Leave a Comment  

We’re in Texas.

A woman asks how I’m doing.

I reply, “I’m well; how are you?”

For a moment, she’s stunned. Then she curls her lip to bare her teeth, and–once I register her expression–she snarls, “I’m good.”

Seriously. An adult human gave me a warning display because I spoke grammatically. Thank goodness she didn’t have quills or neck frills or anal scent glands!

I hate to victim-blame, Texas, but maybe sometimes you make it just a little too easy to “mess with” you…?

Published in: on August 16, 2015 at 10:31 pm  Leave a Comment  

A yellowjacket stung me.

It hurt–but it punctured the skin at an odd angle and got stuck in my leg, so instead of swatting it, I laughed at it, and let it live with the shame.

For all I know, it’s still there. It’s hard to say. I’m wearing pants right now.

Published in: on August 10, 2015 at 11:56 am  Leave a Comment  

Don’t Stop Believing

I asked if I’d ever be able to grow a full beard, considering I can’t do it now, at 30.

“Maybe not,” my barber admitted, “but there are still tricks you can do.”

“Like what?”

“Well, you could grow your mustache real long, and comb it over onto your cheeks.”

I gave him a 100% tip.

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 4:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

Our neighbors moved.

We’re sad, because their cat was best friends with our dog.  They loved playing so much that the cat would come as soon as she heard us calling the dog.

On the day the neighbors moved out, they asked me what our dog’s name is.  “‘Daisy,'” I replied, “and you may not know it, but that’s your cat’s name, too.  Sorry about that.”

Published in: on July 8, 2015 at 4:11 pm  Leave a Comment