…but then I saw a toddler run away from his dad at the entrance to Disneyland, and the dad lunged after him and scooped him up, and the toddler–who started off by sprinting into the park–was suddenly FLYING into the park, shrieking with joy, and I’m just like
By the end of Harry Potter, I think the series forgets why it’s special and becomes a collection of big dumb action setpieces. That said, if I was redesigning the ending and HAD to keep Horcruxes, here’s how I’d set up the climax.
Hogwarts is a Horcrux.
It’s motivated. Voldemort has all the power and influence of Wizard Hitler, yet he’s still fixated on his high school.
It’s tactical. If it’s ever discovered, the demolition crew will have to contend with the nostalgia of literally every wizard in Great Britain.
It’s thematic. This is the only home Harry has ever loved, so forcing him to choose between defending it and destroying Voldemort would result in some fascinating and powerful drama.
It’s heartbreaking. Harry’s been our surrogate into the wizarding world, and we’ve spent seven years enjoying Hogwarts through his eyes. How poignant then to force him to destroy it, and with it, our (imaginary) chance of every enjoying it for ourselves?
See that dog-shaped abyss that my fiancée is sacrificing pizza into? She turned three last week, and she got her very own personal pan to celebrate.
Of course she loved it, and licked the box clean, but it also gave her gas.
Daisy is rarely flatulent. When it happens, she’s confused–“Something is awry. What can be done about this?”–but this time, she just kept shooting me accusatory glares.
I dunno whether it was resentment for letting her eat such rich food, or an attempt to frame me for her farts, but this is the sort of sass that’s brightened my life for the past three years.
DURING THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS: They’re everywhere! Take your pick!!! They have rafts and slides and accordion hallways!!!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!!!
WHILE DEBOARDING: Through the front or by dying of old age, whichever comes first.
ME: I suffer from anxiety, and, well, now that I’ve moved to a state where marijuana is legal…I dunno, would you recommend it?
MY NEW PSYCHIATRIST: Well, I’ve never tried it, but I’ve heard it can have some serious side effects, so I recommend taking a second anti-depressant, instead!
So if anyone wants Lorazepam brownies, I got the hook-up.
Cold enough to prove I love my dog
Cold enough to prove she doesn’t reciprocate
The high point was when a guest mistook me for an Indy face character.
Unfortunately, I’ve never really connected with that franchise, so I don’t understand the character well enough to pretend to be him.
So when the guest greeted me with, “Hey! It’s Indy!” the best I had to offer was, “That’s right, buckaroo!” and when he looked crestfallen, I consoled him with, “You just keep on truckin’, pal!”
Maybe it’s for the best that I didn’t stay, huh?
As a landmark, the Grand Canyon astonishing, and as a park, it’s delightful.
One of its exhibits explains that the Canyon was formed by the Colorado River, which collects sediments from the Rocky Mountains, and uses them to cut through the rock like “liquid sandpaper!” What helpful imagery!
The park also features spouts along the trail that provide cold spring water–for free! Isn’t that courteous? It was warm out, so I went through a lot of it.
…and promptly developed a sore throat.
…and now I’m worried that I unwittingly drank Colorado River water, and it’s gonna carve a canyon outta me.
A woman asks how I’m doing.
I reply, “I’m well; how are you?”
For a moment, she’s stunned. Then she curls her lip to bare her teeth, and–once I register her expression–she snarls, “I’m good.”
Seriously. An adult human gave me a warning display because I spoke grammatically. Thank goodness she didn’t have quills or neck frills or anal scent glands!
I hate to victim-blame, Texas, but maybe sometimes you make it just a little too easy to “mess with” you…?
It hurt–but it punctured the skin at an odd angle and got stuck in my leg, so instead of swatting it, I laughed at it, and let it live with the shame.
For all I know, it’s still there. It’s hard to say. I’m wearing pants right now.
Tyrannosaurus Pogo Stick 